Thursday, January 22, 2009

I Don't Know What To Say

i am not exactly sure what to say right now. which is totally strange. it is a very uncomfortable feeling. you know what i mean? nobody likes this feeling. i think its because we are out of descriptions. we cannot communicate exactly what is churning within us. you want to express something. but how? you want someone to hear you. but how can you when you have nothing to say?

i struggle just to communicate this basic truth. i hate having nothing to say.

many who know me would find this difficult to believe - well, the fact that i don't know what to say. i can be a blabbermouth. its true. i can't help it. i'm quick. it just comes out. i never have issues telling it like it is. for the most part, i am ok with offending people. to be clear, i don't try to offend people - but if it is necessary, i'm ok with it.

my point is that i never feel like this. ever. honestly, i don't. i sincerely cannot remember the last time i had nothing to say. worse, i can't remember the last time i was unable to describe the whirlwind of emotions scattered throughout my being. it isn't good. it feels uncomfortable. it feels insecure. i feel helpless. i guess, i just feel sad.

its different with good things, right? you know what i mean? when you look at something so beautiful and you can't describe it. like at your wedding. when my wife was walking down the aisle, i had nothing to say. but i knew. and at least i could smile. i could react. maybe nobody heard me talking, but i was saying something.

or when your favorite wide receiver catches a bomb and suddenly your team takes the lead with 5 seconds left. you're shocked. you're in disbelief. its amazing. you don't know what to say, but at least you can shout. you can jump up and down and shake your fists. you can smile and scream at your buddy. you may not be talking intelligibly, but you're being heard.

but that isn't how i feel. i can't just hang my head. because that doesn't feel right. i can't sulk. that isn't enough. it doesn't accurately express the emotions.

i lost a friend. someone who i grew up with. someone who me and my buddies spent a lot of time with in school. tragically he died. it had been a really long time since i had been in contact with him before his passing. perhaps that is part of my issue.

i am not in reality right now. i think that helps me describe to you where i am at. i am trying to avoid this surreal atmosphere, but i cannot. i just don't know. i don't know what to say. i have a loss. i have a deep emptiness. i have this strange combination of emotions stirring inside of me that is creating this uncomfortable and mysterious ingredient i can't seem to put my finger on - like a flavor you can't quite figure out in a new dish. does that make sense? do you get where i am at?

so i pray. and nothing really comes out. but i pray. i don't know what to pray - but luckily God takes care of that form me. i think and i process and i attempt to move forward and i heal. and that's how this works. i guess its ok that i have nothing. perhaps that is exactly what God intends for me in this time. i've tried and tried, but sincerely, honestly, i don't know what to say.

1 comment:

Nancy said...

God knows exactly how you feel. Grief is a part of the healing, talking is part of the healing, and GOD IS THE HEALER. HE knows all pain, we only know a sliver of pain. Doesn't matter it still hurts, He knows that too. You don't need words to express the ache you feel for your loss. GOD KNOWS & HE CARES.
I love you Andy