Thursday, February 19, 2009

Is "It" Everything?

i apologize for the length of my last post. i sincerely don't mean to bore you. i hope that i don't. actually, i am confident that i don't. i am sure that i am very entertaining. i would accept amusing. but i'll take what i can get. i understand i have an ego. you don't need to tell me.

there is this process i go through. i mean the process of writing. i do not consider myself even a novice at writing. if my writing and communication were a snowboarding hill, i wouldn't even be on the bunny hill. you know what i mean? like, i'd be on bump with the skiers who are learning to plow. haha. i get it. even with my ego, i am a realist. and realize where i stand in the grand scheme of things.

but you know how things go? one things leads to another. or you sit and bask in the thought of something divine or larger or more profound than yourself. you have this insight that leads you to more insight that leads to understanding that leads to questions which lead to answers - and suddenly you realize you just took this journey.

like LOST. and i insist on the spelling. it isn't lost. or Lost. it has earned the all caps title of, "LOST." in fact, if you watch the show, its called LOST. i recently hammered someone on facebook for this mistake. and i'm grudgingly feeling convicted about it too. tangent. sorry.

but this journey is like LOST. you start on the island. and the truth - slowly but surely - begins to reveal itself. and then suddenly, after 5 seasons of dedication, research, and mind-blowing theories, you realize you are so far away from where you began, but know that it was completely, and utterly necessary. though you may not comprehend it all, there is a deeper and more profound understanding that has developed within you as you relate with the characters in the story.

it is so interesting in the story and life of LOST - which has such a cult underground following - how one thing leads to another. or perhaps a better way of explaining it, how one thing was led by the other. as time goes on - or goes back - we begin to discover more and more information to lead us back to the beginning. but the point of LOST is the journey.

my wife and i have a pretty specific schedule in the morning. her alarm goes off. she gets up. does whatever it is she does in the hour before my alarm goes off. then i get up. do my thing. shower, eat, brush, etc. . .watch saved by the bell, etc. . . warm up the car, and then go. . . .

yesterday, she let the alarm go. and she slept in an extra hour until my alarm went off. and it is so interesting how the rest of the day was different because of that one decision. we tried getting ready simultaneously which doesn't work because of the small size of our bathroom. we got out of the door late - which is pretty consistent for her - and she dropped me off at work. as i walked into my office, my phone rings, and it is my wife telling me she left her keys at home. so i take car and house key off my lanyard and give it to her in the parking lot. then she went home with my keys. so when she got home she had both set of car/house keys.

then she picked me up and we went to panera for dinner. we used her keys because she had found them and left mine at home. we get out of the car at panera, i put my key chain in my left pocket because that is where they stay, and put her keys in my right pocket because i didn't want to carry them. then we eat. then we leave panera. i walk out, and pull my keys out of my left pocket. and then it dawns on me that my car/house keys aren't there. so i say, "where are yours?" (obviously forgetting that i had put hers in my right pocket to avoid carrying them). and then she begins looking in her purse and has a split second of panic as she realizes she can't find them. and then i finally realize i had them in my right pocket. problem solved.

then this morning, when i go to warm up the car 5 minutes before leaving - because this is what i do every morning before work - i grab her keys, because they are on the counter next to the microwave where i put MY car/house keys every day after work. the car warms up and we drive to work. i realize half way to work that i do not have MY keys because they are at home hanging up (because that is where my wife HAS to have them). but i do not have MY keys because i didn't realized i picked up HER keys to start the car. since i didn't have my keys, i couldn't get into my office, etc. . .

isn't interesting how one thing led to another? yesterday my wife ignored her alarm, and today i am driving to work without my keys. such an interesting journey isn't it? from point A to point B.

i have been on a journey folks. as i reflect on my last point - discussing being a poor follower of christ and realizing that my relationship with christ is similar to the love relationship between me and my wife - i realize how up and down and side to side i am. there is this path of understanding and relational development that i am on, and i am nowhere near where i was last week.

one thing has led to another.

i am still contemplating the meaning of being a true disciple. but as the days turn into weeks and time progresses, i realize how deeply involved it is to truly be a disciple. my understanding and comprehension of this topic has grown and shifted immensely recently. it began with that yearning question of, "is it the real thing?" which i realized is wrong to begin with. it then led to the question, "am i being the real thing?"

and how i realize - at least for today - that the question is, "is it everything?" and by, "it" i mean, being a disciple. is, "being a disciple, everything to me?" its the burning question inside me. i feel in so many ways that i am going to explode. i believe sincerely that there is a violent creature inside me that is waiting to be unleashed - in a good way though. wesley says that if you set yourself on fire, people will come to watch you burn. and i feel in so many ways, there is this small candle lit inside me desperately waiting for a semi truck full of fuel to spew its contents all over me.

and i realize that discipleship has to be everything to me. it has to completely consume me. it cannot just spill out of me. it has to overtake me from the inside out. it cannot be the overflow of my heart. it has to be my heart. my life cannot simply resemble the life of christ - it must be the life of Christ. it has to be everything.

it must.